It is not possible in our world to completely avoid having difficult conversations. In order to grow, to evolve, to become a better person they are inevitable. However, these conversations can be both detrimental and encouraging. You learn a lot about another individual such as: their journey, their opinions, their values. Maybe this makes it harder because you find that you are just so different, and maybe it makes it easier because you discover you're very much alike. Regardless of where you find yourself on that spectrum, being able to successfully navigate these hard conversations is critical.
I recently had a discussion with a loved one that took a turn for the worst. It was a very heated and passionate argument that became very personal for both of us. And already there has been an affect on our relationship. There is a lack of comfortability that comes from addressing these real and raw issues. It can feel like an attack and cause a lot of emotions that can be a struggle to process. Shame, guilt, anger can be all consuming. If we let it. When emotions are running high and the topic of conversation is radical or controversial, it is harder to stay rational and in control. Life is freaking hard. There's no way around that. And learning how to have these kinds of discussions in a proper way can be both relationship and life saving. But it's not always easy to do. You have to take life one step at a time. You have to take everything one step at a time. Getting to know someone. Getting to know yourself. Finding love, and letting it in. Finding relief and holding on to it. Nothing worth having ever came easy. We can try to anticipate what life will throw at us, but 99% of the time it's what we least expect. You have to take the bad with the good. If it wasn't for the night sky we'd never see the stars. Don't give up having the hard discussions. It's how we grow. Challenging yourself and others is how we evolve. It can be painful, change always is, but it can be worth it. And we can't regret what happens because it makes us who we are. But I don't regret what I said in the conversation with my loved one. I regret putting them in the position where they are forced to be uncomfortable and make change. But without it where would we be? We need to be challenged, we need to be pushed, we need to stop looking at the world from only our own eyes. So hard conversations aren't easy, we know that just from looking at the title. But we also know that most of the time the outcome can be good. We just having to keep trying, keep fighting.
0 Comments
If I am being completely honest, I forgot all about this blog I started back in 2015. I created it as a safe place for me to be able to share what's on my mind, what I am feeling, and processing the twists and turns of life. But life got away from me.
I have since graduated from my undergraduate college with degrees in American Sign Language Education and Psychology, and started graduate school at Gallaudet University in Washington, DC. Life has been a whirlwind, and most of it has been very unexpected. I have learned a lot about myself in these last 4 years. Most of which relates to my feelings of self worth and acceptance. There is a lot that I repressed and felt ashamed for growing up. There is a lot I had to work through as it connects to my mental health. My life has had many ups and downs and despite the struggle, I would like to think I am stronger and healthier now than I was when I started this blog. I am no where near perfect or done evolving, but I haven't given up figuring out who I am meant to be and where my life is headed, and that's half the battle. Within the last year, I picked up my poetry habit again. In that short amount of time I have already written over 150 poems. I may consider posting them to my blog as another form of expression, but there is a lot to consider. These poems help me cope with my life, and as such are very personal. They contain moments of my past, thoughts about my present, and feelings for my future. Although I am completely aware that people aren't heading to my blog every day to see what I have been up to (especially since I have forgotten about it myself), it is still public and I don't want to put "my business on blast", as they say. Needless to say, I am hoping to restart this writing passion of mine, and allow myself to use this as an outlet once again. If you find yourself reading any of these posts or coming to visit this page any time in the future and are curious about my poetry or anything else, just let me know. I once saw a video of a person listing off all the things that they love. It wasn't until the end of the video that they finally said "how long will it take before you list yourself, how long till you say that 'you' are something you love?" And that really struck me. It isn't often that we say out loud how we feel about ourselves, but I think that it is even less often that we are aware of how we actually feel about who we are.
I don't think that at this time in my life that I could say "I love myself, I love who I am, and I love who I have become". I have this tiny problem of never letting go the wrong things I have done, or the evil things I have said. I tend to hold on to things after the damage is done and forgiven. It is easy to let people forgive you, especially when you know you will continue to punish yourself long after. And the truth is, we are our own toughest critic. That however is what makes it difficult. Even if we have impressed everyone around us, it means very little if we don't loosen the reigns on ourselves every once and awhile. Someone could tell me I did something right and it will mean nothing until I have proven it to myself that I deserve to be happy and proud of what I have accomplished. It is a challenge for me to accept anything positive; I am fairly certain I came out of the womb with an insult prepared for the nurse but luckily for her I wasn't able to talk yet. I am just a negative person, not only about others, but mostly myself. I fake confidence better than pretty much anyone I know. A favorite book of mine has the line: we accept the love we think we deserve. Stephen Chbosky author of Perks of Being a Wallflower, develops that concept, but it is one of the truest statements I have ever read. We often see people with others who are just not good enough for them and we question it, but the truth is that person doesn't believe they deserve any better. This is why it is so difficult for someone to love themselves. How can we accept the love we should give to ourselves when we don't believe we are worthy of it? My 2016 resolution, I have decided as a result, will be to work on forgiving myself of my past, and allowing myself to accept and love myself for who I am. I will not be dependent on others because in the end even if someone else were to love me, it would mean very little since I still have not learned to love myself. The gift of loving who you are is the best one there is, and only then can we truly gift others with the virtue of genuine love because we will finally understand it in its fullest capacity. Love yourself, love who you are, because you fought a hell of a journey to become who you are today just to turn around and give all of yourself to someone else. You deserve it too. You are worthy of it. Yes. You read that title correctly, and that is exactly what I meant.
I have been told many times in my life that I am a "high maintenance girl". I have also been told that I tend to "over analyze everything". Let me tell you some other things I have been told. Selfish. Bossy. Emotional. Liar. Sassy. Rude. Fake. No matter what people call me, it always comes back to me being high maintenance and an over analyzer. Those words up there, they don't mean so much. That is until I pick them apart completely and pick myself apart in the process trying to figure out exactly what the person was referring to when they called me that. Labels. Names. "Regular" adjectives. They can hurt. They can be great. They can be endearing. They can be ridiculous. They can be terrifying. They can be EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. It is all dependent on the power we give them to control us. So when you're an over analyzer...you give them A LOT of power. You give everything a lot of power. That guy who didn't text you back right away. The professor who made a weird comment on your paper. The friend who wouldn't tell you something. You give everything a lot of power, except yourself. And of course when you're high maintenance, you then must talk to everyone about all the issues and psycho analyze them with people until they have their ears talked off. You make a big deal of all the little things that seem completely ordinary to the rest of the world and you don't understand why they don't understand it the way you do. You see the universe in bright, obnoxious, loud colors. A lot of people just sees it as it is, beautiful and full of potential. Some people don't even know how they see it because they haven't been molded by enough yet. There are so many different ways to see the world. And to be honest, when you're me, you see it as crazy, and sometimes out to get you. Because? I'm an over-analyzing, high maintenance 20 year old girl. There is so much packed into that one small statement. And it is okay to be afraid of the labels, and freak out over all the names, but the truth is, the only person who really has any power of you, is you. You just have to actually let yourself have the power, and hopefully life will change. But what do I know? I am just an over-analyzing, high maintenance 20 year old girl. So has anyone ever noticed when they have been truly happy? Usually it is only after the fact, like "wow the other day was such an amazing moment and now everything sucks", we constantly fail to appreciate any of the moments in our life until we have already passed it by and are unhappy with our lives yet again.
Here's the thing, it doesn't have to be like that. We don't have to wait to enjoy the good parts of life until they have disappeared. It isn't a pattern that anyone should employ, good-bad-good-bad. Everything is just a part of life. There are really shitty moments, I talk about them all too much. We all do. We want people to support us, pity us, or make us feel better. There are so many reasons that we talk about the crappy times in life. BUT you should never talk about the bad moments more than the good. The mere fact that you are breathing, that you have an opportunity to live your life. That in itself is a gift. Lately, I have been lucky enough to do a lot of the things that I have been dreaming of doing. I have made choices for myself that have made me TRULY happy. I don't know if I have ever been in a point in my life where I have been happy and been fully aware of my own happiness before it disappears. And that is the thing, I don't want it to disappear, I am not going to sit and wait for it to disappear. Because it doesn't have to. I'm in charge of my own life, I'm in charge of my own happiness. Life can be a disappointment, it can hurt, it can drain every good part of you till there is nothing but darkness. But there is a quote from my favorite band that says: but in darkness there's clarity even if you don't care to see it. Timeflies, has been a real source of my happiness lately, but those lyrics made me realize that when we are in the midst of the darkest parts of ourselves, if we want to, we can find the real parts life that can make us happy. Happiness doesn't just fall into your lap. It can, and when it does, it's a true blessing. But most of the time, happiness is something that you fight for every day. You fight for it by choosing to go to your favorite concert, by choosing to go to the school you want to go to, by hanging out with people who love you despite all your crazy. You can choose to be happy. It takes some effort, which can be difficult, especially when you're surrounded by darkness. But isn't happiness worth it? We don't need to dwell in the darkness forever, we don't have to let it consume us. Just let go of anything that makes you unhappy, or address it and make a change. But you are IN CHARGE of YOUR life, so you have every right to do whatever you decide with those things that make you unhappy. Everyone has the right to happiness. And you should take that right and allow it to flourish. Let me tell you, it has been a long time coming for me to get to the point in my life where I am at now, a LONG TIME. And I am going to do everything I can to keep it. Who doesn't want to be happy? You only get to live once, so live a happy life. Take charge, and choose, because you deserve it. Credit for lyrics: Shades of Grey by Timeflies Talking about self harm is so often discouraged in our culture because it is a sign of weakness, or that there is something wrong with you. There is a fear of what you can't and don't understand, and self harm is no exception. It is a very real and painful subject. The truth is, sometimes everything just gets to be a little too much. You lose control, don't know how to handle anything in your life anymore, and the only thing you have control over is the pain you cause yourself.
People who don't understand how someone can harm themselves often ask the question: why, why do you do it? My answer, to why I did it for so many years, the physical pain is so much easier to deal with than the emotional. When everything inside you is tearing you apart, the only thing that feels even a little better is the pain of your burning skin. It isn't that I want to just hurt myself again and again, it isn't that I want the attention for having scars on my wrists. It is because sometimes you can't put the knife down because then you actually have to deal with all the pain inside you. And once you start thinking about that realization, the addiction of the knife, or the curling rod, or whatever your weapon of choice is, becomes just that: an addiction. Before you know it, any time something little causes you pain, you think about how easy it is to hurt yourself. Again, and again, and again. You need it, and walking away from it is almost impossible. But once you do turn away, the fight isn't over. It is a constant choice to choose to cope in a different way. It hurts like hell, and you're fighting for your own sanity, but the hard choice is the right one. No one deserves to live with a pain that they can actually control, self harm, is a pain that you have control over. When everything is too much, you can choose something else, because even though in the moment self harm makes everything better, later it causes you emotional pain that you didn't know existed. You ache in parts you didn't know you had, because you put yourself in a place you were never meant to belong. A place where you aren't safe with your own thoughts. Two years ago today I self harmed for the last time. I am not saying that the last two years were a piece of cake, because if I did it would be a lie. It was a battle every day, but sitting here, writing this now, it was worth every struggle. The problem isn't that we are weak, or that there is something wrong with us. We are all broken people who choose to cope in different ways. But if it were easier to talk about our brokenness then maybe people who struggle with self harm can find the help they need without feeling like they have no other option. In the end we are all just human beings. We need to learn to have more compassion, more understanding, and more love for the people around us. Everyone has things that cause them pain, my hope by writing this, is that at least one person will realize that the thing that causes you pain, should never be yourself. You know when you're little....pretty much everyone is your friend. You share your crayons. You play in the sand box together. You figure out you have the same doll and there is an instant connection.
But life isn't like that. You hit elementary school and friendships are mediocre. They are all about who has this and who has that. They are so surface level, but at the time you make them your entire world. You have to be with them every second or you just might die. But life isn't like that. High school starts and your friendships feel real for the first time. You have a bond that feels unbreakable. You share your secrets. Your love interests. Your hopes. It feels like these people will be in your life forever. No matter where you go to college, or what job you have those friendships will never drift apart. But life isn't like that. In college, while you find yourself, you are also finding out who you want to have in your life. If the friendships you made in high school will actually last through anything. You find out that some people just came into your life to teach you a lesson. And others really do feel like forever. But, you also learn the hard truth, that some people are just never who you thought. Luckily, that can sometimes be a good thing. Life is like that. It's funny sometimes how it works out. The right people come into your life just at the right time. And the wrong ones leave when you know you need to move on. Friendships are so important. You learn so much about yourself, who you are, and who you want to become. They tether you to reality, but lift your soul to all the impossibilities that life offers. If they are true, they are there when you laugh AND there when you cry. Sometimes it is hard to let some of the old friendships go. But we have to. Maybe they drain you, change you, hold you back. But we have to let go. It hurts. Life hurts. Friends, the real friends, help you through it, and make it better. They lay in bed next to you when you're crying and talk with you until you feel happy enough to laugh again. AND, on rare occasion, you meet a friend when you're 4 years old who has been in your life all along and never goes anywhere. When you're young you two have the same doll and there is that instant connection. In elementary school, you're in different classes, but you still see each other every day. In high school, you're talking about the boys you like, and how you can't wait to go to college and study your dream career. And even though you're hundreds of miles apart in college, you come home and it feels like you never left. Those are the friends you hold on to. Friendships are funny like that. They surprise you. Challenge you. Shape you. They become a part of who you are. So yes, friendships can hurt, they can fade, but they are also beautifully needed. So love deeply, let go willingly, and heal wisely. Cause life is like this. Today is suicide prevention day. It is because of this, and my own struggle with depression and anxiety that I thought I would share some thoughts with you about how depression and anxiety truly work.
Not wanting to do anything. That is depression. Wearing all dark clothes unintentionally because things that seem happy make you feel worse. That is depression. Trying and failing to fake a smile so people around you don't feel awkward. That is depression. Worrying about what they are thinking about you. That is anxiety. Fretting about having a panic attack in front of people. That is anxiety. Thinking about when the anxiety will pass. That is anxiety. Depression. Anxiety. They are like visitors who don't announce they're coming. You are unprepared, and in the middle of life. And suddenly none of that matters. Suddenly nothing matters. Not school, your favorite show, or spending time with friends. Nothings matters. Not even you. You stop eating, stop sleeping, stop trying. This is depression. This is anxiety. There's pressure in your chest and nausea in your stomach. There are tears streaming down your face for no reason at all. There's a pain in your heart that you didn't even know could exist. And all of this is masked by a feeling of numbness and emptiness, and worst of all, the hopelessness. Hopeless that there is nothing you can do. And it feels like it will never end. But boy, do you want it to. Because when you see your face in the mirror you don't even recognize yourself. Friends and family want you to "snap out of it" and "have better days". If only they knew that it isn't that easy. Because while you fight for control of yourself again, you are also fighting EVERY urge to hurt yourself. Because depression is a dark hole. It wants more darkness. It wants every part of you. And it'll do anything to get it. It will remind you of the worst parts of yourself. The worst things you ever thought, the worst thing you ever did. The worst thing that has ever happened to you. Breaking you into a million little pieces is it's only goal. The whole time, anxiety is just sitting there fueling depression and encouraging it. They are a team. And you're on the opposite team. Not only have you taken a lot of hits but you're broken, bruised, and scarred. But you're still trying to not let them win. It takes everything you have. And not even the strongest people win against their opponents. Because depression and anxiety don't fight fair. You can take every drug. Try all kinds of therapy...but they are good at getting back up when they get knocked down. And why shouldn't they be? It's what they do to their victims. Knock them down so hard that they never want to get back up again. Depression and anxiety are debilitating and self destructive mental illnesses. And they aren't shy about coming out to play. They play and play till there isn't a thing left that they haven't touched and destroyed. You can beg for some peace. You can beg to be left alone. But that is the thing about depression... it always makes sure you are alone. You could be in a room with a thousand people and still feel like you're the only one there. It's just you and your mental illness. But I take my meds? I'm with people? I tell people when I am headed to a dark place...and when I am thinking about self harm... How is depression more powerful than all that? Than me? How is depression still winning? I don't have the answer. The truth is, I probably don't even want to know. I'm better off just fighting my way out again and again. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how much I want to just give up and give in. Because maybe one day I can say to someone else fighting this fight that you don't have to be ashamed, or scared, or alone. Because I know what you're going through. I KNOW. And I will fight with you every step of the way. Because depression and anxiety has taken too many lives. And they shouldn't have the power to take any more. Every life is way more precious than depression or anxiety makes it seem. Remember that. Always. |
Trust me.Relief does exist. It is just about finding it. And holding on to it. Archives
August 2019
Categories |